Day 3: The Receiving End of Intention

Last night was Date Night. 

It’s a weekly thing for me and David; a special time to eat great food, enjoy some fantastic conversation and a glass or two of wine.  The biggest plus is that it’s just the two of us.

One of the things that makes Date Night particularly special, is that most of the time, David makes a beautiful meal for us to share.  Last night was Salsa Night:  homemade salsa and chips as an appetizer, fresh tuna steaks on a bed of spinach with yummy mango salsa for the main, fruit salsa and cinnamon chips for dessert.  It was fabulous! 

We even tried about 5 seconds of salsa dancing.  It wasn’t pretty so we stopped.   It’s good to know your limits.

However, the best thing about our evening was David’s comment to me after we had enjoyed our beautiful fish.   Were it not for interrupting date night, I would have jumped up and recorded it verbatim, but his words went something like this: 

“I love you and so I enjoy pouring my love into the food, because I know you enjoy it so much.  Food is just another way I can express my love to you.  We might enjoy a frozen lasagna just as much.  It serves the same purpose of filling us, and we can still share it just the two of us, but it doesn’t do anything to really express how much I love you.” 

(Melt…)

After his comment, when my heart returned to its regular pace,  it came to me.   

Day 3:

Being on the receiving end of intention feels so wonderful, and makes me feel so well-loved, that I want to be the giver of more intention, so those special to me might feel the same way.   

 And for what it’s worth, that gorgeous tuna was way better than any lasagna, frozen or otherwise.

This post has been linked to the 31 DAYS series.  You can start from the beginning here, and check out the other 31 Dayers by visiting The Nester.

The Common Thread in our Marriage

Christ. 

Plain and simple.

He’s the common thread in our marriage, and life itself.  

Our goal individually, as a couple and as a family is to live according to His will.   Sure, it’s easier to live according to my human will and do whatever it is I want, but I am wiser than that.  I want to live each day in an attempt to please my Father, because I love him. 

Our marriage was good right from its young start.  We loved each other immensely, but always felt a hunger for something more. 

When we moved to Nova Scotia in 2002, I told David we were going to find a church, that we’d hop around and spend a couple of weeks at different churches until we found one that felt right.  We started with the United Baptist Church and our search ended there.  That was 8 1/2 years ago.  

It was the best thing we could have done for our marriage. 

Our time there, but in particular the last 2-3 years, has been nothing short of extraordinary.  There is something so incredibly right about finding a body of believers with whom you can worship, pray, laugh, cry, encourage, support.  They are our chosen family and what an amazing family it is! 

Surrounding ourselves with brothers and sisters in Christ has strengthened our marriage in a way we would not have reached without the love of a good church.   Oh, we were happy enough, and seemingly stable enough.  You can love and follow Christ without a church, but it’s so. much. harder.    

Through Christ, we have reached a depth and the richness in our marriage that I could not have otherwise imagined. 

And that is our foundation for everything.  He comes first.  He’s the reason we’re here.  He’s the reason we love.  He’s the reason we’re strong.  He’s the reason we’re blessed. 

But seek first his kingdom, and his righteousness,

and all these things will be given to you as well.

-Matthew 6:33

I don’t know where you are in your walk with Christ, or if you’re walking with him at all, but if you are curious or feeling that you are just craving that richness in your life, I encourage you to talk to a Christian you trust.  Find someone who will not judge you, but will listen and provide some guidance.  A friend, a family member, a pastor?   If you want to chat with me privately, you can email me at joyandcontentment at gmail dot com.   I’d be more than happy to chat with you. 

I hope you’ve gleaned something useful from this series on marriage.  Love is just the most. amazing. thing!   I pray you find it in abundance, nurture it, fan the flame and keep it in check through Christ, from whom all blessings flow. 

xo

The Example of our Marriage

Okay, so I become a bit irate when I hear people talk about the ‘old ball and chain.’  Many a stand-up comic has dished out routines about how horrible marriage is and how life ends when you get married.  

I’ve also been known to get my back up when people make comments about asking ‘permission’ for David to go out with the guys.   I guess they didn’t get the memo about my husband leading.   It’s probably been about 10 years since I told David ‘no’ to anything and that includes going out with the guys.   It’s just not how I roll. 

It makes me consider the importance of modeling a good marriage.  We’ve all heard the staggering divorce statistics.   I recently read a study that showed the chances of divorce in the first four years of marriage increasing 87% if wives had a history of parental divorce, and 620% (as in:  six hundred and twenty percent!!!) if both partners did.   Does that not astound you?  Does that not want to make you sit up and take notice of the example we’re setting for our kids? 

With figures like that, you’d have to imagine that eventually, we may reach a point were virtually all marriages end in divorce.  It’s like divorce rates are applying compound interest.

It’s horrible!  And it can be prevented.

I remind myself now and then to reflect on the marriage example David and I are setting for our children.  I want to make sure we’re painting our relationship in a positive light, effectively demonstrating our affection, our roles, conflict resolution, and especially mutual respect.   Demonstrating these things will help my children to see what kind of spouse they need to be, but also what kind of person they should be searching for when the time comes.   I want their standards to be high. 

Is it obvious to my children that David comes first?

Do they see that we are both making choices in our marriage, and that we’re working at it? 

Do my children see me leaving decisions to David, allowing him to lead the family and especially me?

Are they seeing his respect for me, both outwardly and in his respect of my opinion in those decisions? 

Do my children clearly understand that their mother, through her words, attitudes and actions, is in love with their father? 

Have you ever seen a couple in their 80′s or  90′s, out for a walk and holding hands?  Does it not make you go “awwwww….” in your head?  Or maybe out loud? 

David and I are not particularly shy on the PDA front (public displays of affection).  We don’t go crazy in public or in front of our children, but we certainly hold hands, share a kiss, an affectionate glance, an embrace…many of them.  I almost always greet David at the door at the end of the day, with a hug and big ol smooch.  I think it’s important for the two of us to keep fanning the flame, but it’s also important for our family.   It gives our children both security and an example. 

(Side note:  Eden started kissing me with her head tilted to one side.   I had to explain that’s for Mom and Dad only.  She gets it now.  LOL)

We even have t-shirts. 

Oh yes.  We do.   

Actually, there’s a great story behind them.  David was in Toronto on business on the day I was browsing on the Union 28 website.  (I love them and what they are doing!)  I told him I wanted to order a “My husband rocks.”  shirt and asked him if he’d wear one that says “I love my wife.”  Not only did he say he’d love to wear it, he told me he was *this* close to buying one a couple of days prior that said “I love my hot wife”  (blush)   but didn’t because he thought I’d be embarrassed.  We laughed and marvelled at the fact that we both thought the same thing in a matter of two days.  How cool is that?  

The shirts arrived and we’ve both been wearing them.  He loves his, but is disappointed that the ‘hot’ part wasn’t on it.  (double blush)    

It feels pretty good to know that my husband wants to wear his love for me across his chest for the world to see.  And why not?  In this age of high infidelity, it makes my heart smile to see a man who is proud to say he loves his wife.  And let’s face it, that’s just downright sexy! 

So, in all this work of a marriage and in all the choices that go along with it, we are choosing to model for our children.  We want to give them as good a chance as possible for a healthy marriage of their own one day.

I wonder if another study would show marriages 620% more likely to THRIVE among adult children who regularly witness love, respect, and affection between their mother and father…?

Food for thought.

And here’s to kissing in public! 

The Joy in our Marriage

Anyone who knows David personally knows that he’s a funny guy.  After his blue eyes and sincere smile (both of which I saw from across the room), it was one of the first things that attracted me a teenager back in 1990.  He does a pretty great job of keeping me in stitches, and that really does give us a good jump start on the ‘JOY’ parts of our marriage. 

But ‘joy’, to me, is so much more than ‘happiness.’   I see happiness as a mood, fleeting perhaps.  Joy is harder for me to articulate, but I see it as something that is deep down inside of you.  It permeates your being.  

I’m so blessed to be able to say that I experience total joy in my marriage.  When I think over what I do to experience joy, I think of these: 

I seek it with intention.

Joy is a choice.   We have the ability to be intentional about “counting it pure joy” (James 1:2).   It can be a tough road some days, but it’s still a choice. 

“Joy does not simply happen to us.   We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.” — Henri Nouwen

 

It’s a choice to smile.  The  more you smile the better you feel.  Really. 

It’s our choice to have ‘date night’ once a week.  We are intentional about that time together in order to lift up our marriage and enjoy eachother, one on one, without the distraction of children.    It’s our chance to feel truly connected.  Many a Monday, I get an email from David saying “4 more nights until date night”! 

It doesn’t cost us a thing besides the food we’re cooking and the wine we’re drinking, but it’s worth so much more than anything else we do.  

I view it as a gift.

Every good and every perfect gift is from above (James 1:17) and that certainly includes my marriage.   When I think of it as a gift, it causes me to treat it a bit more respectfully than I would if it were just something I found laying around somewhere.  

We laugh together. 

I mean serious laughter.  We play fight.  We tickle.  We crazy dance together.  We sometimes sing as loudly and badly as we can.  It’s good to get silly.   I’m telling you, it gives me a special kind of butterflies in my belly and I am drawn closer to my husband when we’re connecting on a new silliness level.

 

” Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

 –Abraham Lincoln

 

 Have fun seeking the joy in your marriage this week! 

The Difficulties in our Marriage

 

Yes, our marriage is amazing and David and I are extremely happy together.  But that doesn’t mean it comes without its challenges.  We are challenged constantly and in different ways.  

I am challenged personally. 

These are the things that have nothing at all to do with David.  Instead, they are all about me.   Mostly, it’s about how I respond to a given situation and my response can have a huge impact on my day, and on the day of everyone else in the family. 

I’m not talking here about the BIG obstacles that unfortunately exist in far too many marriages.  I’m mostly talking about the ”I-can’t-believe-you-left-the-seat-up-again-itis” that infects every home.  In one form or another, the little things (like toilet seats and dirty socks and wet rags in the sink) have the ability to send us over the edge on just the right day.  It’s a part of life because nobody is perfect and we all do things that drive our spouse crazy. 

The key, folks, is not to nag. 

When we nag it puts our spouse on the defensive and that is really not a place where anybody likes to be in a relationship.  Sometimes I might very gently (or with some humour) remind David of his blunder (he should at least be aware of it after all), but delivery is everything.    Most of the time, I say nothing.  Usually, I just let it roll right off my back because for every wet towel left on the bed there are a hundred wonderful things he does.   And really, who needs another reason to be in a bad mood? 

Research has shown that the main reason for divorce after 5-7 years of marriage is conflict.  Based on this, reducing the conflict can help protect your marriage.    Talk about picking your battles!

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.

– Ruth Bell Graham 

 

So the vast majority of the time, I choose not to battle over the wet towel.  Instead I’ll just go and hang it up.  Whoop-dee-do.  No big deal.   David reciprocates by not commenting on the kitchen floor that is still filthy.   

We are challenged by outside circumstances.

These can be work-related, child-related, financial or otherwise.  We have recently begun to care for an aging parent with Alzheimer’s, and that is brand new and difficult territory for us.  All of these things can make us emotional, exhausted and put us on edge at times, but it is what it is, and with prayer and petition, we try to deal with it as best we can. 

Yes, difficulties exist at every turn, but really, they only develop into stresses if we let them.  Marriages fall apart every day for a myriad of reasons, but stress is a massive contributing factor.  How we deal with stress makes the difference between a good day and one that is not too soon forgotten.  The key to this one, for us, is down-time and communication.  We will talk more about that tomorrow, but it’s critical to talk through these things as husband and wife.  A full and boiling pot will eventually boil over. 

The speed of life  is another very real difficulty in our marriage. 

Between the Blackberry and the iPhone, the speed of business has increased to Mach VI.  With it, the expectations have increased and people expect an immediate response.  No more waiting.  Everything is instant.  And everyone wants a piece of you.  So, the age-old issue of time is a big factor. 

The issue with time is that nobody seems to have enough of it. 

I speak with some authority on the issue of a lack of time.  David has a full-time ’9 to 5′  job and also holds a position as a decision-maker within our municipal government, that takes up between 2 and 3 evenings a week.  I have a full-time job as mother and educator of our children, and I’m also self-employed.  On top of that, we are involved in committees of the church, David is involved in music ministry as singer in a Christian contemporary/rock band, and we are both active in volunteering for our community.  Time is very precious. 

When it comes to our marriage, our response is two-fold: 

1)  We make sure to have scheduled time for each other each week.   If a dentist appointment gets scheduled because it’s important, why doesn’t time with a spouse?  Isn’t that more important than a regularly scheduled dental cleaning? 

2)  With this, naturally, comes the need to say ‘no’ to some things.  We just can’t do it all.  We have to prioritize according to our life priorities.   My marriage is second on that list of priorities, after God, and I treat it as such. 

 

As I read this back to myself, I feel sure that it accurately reflects the stumbling blocks in our marriage and the things we try to do to minimize them.  Of course, there are times when it doesn’t go as smoothly; times when I’m just in a bad mood and can’t let things roll off my back.  But after the mood passes, I look back and realize that it served no purpose other than to put the rest of the family in a bad mood.   So most of the time, I work hard to just rise above it.  Most of the time. 

My marriage is sacred.  It is the most special earthly relationship I have.  I hold it very high.  I treat it with the respect and protection it deserves.  I will work tirelessly if I need to, to make sure it stays that way.

Marriage Week

 

The subject of marriage is one of many that I really love to talk about.  I love it because my healthy marriage is at the core of who I am.  I’m appreciative of it every day and so it’s often at the forefront of my mind. 

It might be National Marriage Week in the US, but I can’t see any reason for those of us north of the border to take a bit of time to reflect on marriages and what it means to be committed to one another in holy matrimony.  

Of course, I can’t speak for other marriages out there.   Each is different, with varying sets of circumstances and obstacles.  But over the next few days, I am going to share my experience of marriage.   It’s a ridiculously happy one and if sharing my perspective on it has a chance of helping anyone in any way, or if it just causes someone to think a little more about marriage in general, that is a good thing. 

Here’s the low-down on the shape it will take:

Tuesday:  The Structure of our Marriage

Wednesday:  The Difficulties in our Marriage

Thursday:  The Joy in our Marriage

Friday:  The Example of our Marriage

Saturday:  The Common Thread in our Marriage

I look forward to sharing with you tomorrow.  In the meantime, Happy Monday!

Absence Makes the Heart Grow…Crazy

David was away for this past week — a full 7 nights.   He travelled on business to Toronto and Regina and then got to spend a couple days in Edmonton with his cousin and her husband and their beautiful baby.  As much as I missed him, I was thrilled for him to be able to take a little down time over the weekend before coming home to the busyness of our lives. 

We’ve been apart many times before, but this time I missed him more.   I went a little CRAZY without my regular dose of David.  I missed his humour and playfulness, his authority in the house, his presence. 

I figure it’s because I’m even more in love with him now than I was last year, more than last week.  I am truly blessed to have such an amazing relationship with my spouse.  We work at it.  We make it a priority.  And it pays dividends. 

Welcome home, Baby.

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith

At church yesterday, I picked our Easter Letter out of the appropriate alphabetical section, looked at the envelope and smiled.  It addressed us as Mr. and Mrs. Hubby’s Name.  I turned to ‘D’ and said, “I never ever tire of that.”  He gave me an affectionate rub on the back and said, “Good, but there are lots of people out there who wouldn’t agree with you!”

He’s right.  But his comment got me thinking about why. 

Scripture tells us repeatedly that in marriage, two shall become one.

“…and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one.”   – Mark 10:8  (it also surfaces in Matthew, I Corinthians, Ephesians, maybe others I’m not sure)

One.  Not two.   But a body can’t have two heads.    The best businesses don’t have two presidents; they have a president and a vice president. 

And scripture also tells us that the man is the spiritual head of the household.  That’s worthy of a post (or a series of posts perhaps) but the gist of it is this:  the woman obeys her husband.  The husband has ultimate respect for his wife (love your wife as you love yourself).  This means that a lot of the time, he will actually follow his wife’s wishes, because he respects her and gives her the consideration she deserves.  

In my opinion, if this is in check, a marriage is in relative balance.  It’s when the wife doesn’t concede to the husband’s decisions or she does, but is not in turn respected and adored by the husband, that marriages start to fall apart.   Both parts of the equation need to be there.  You only have to look around to see that it’s true!   

One of the gifts we received for our wedding was a lovely iron statue of a man and a woman.  The giver of the gift told us she chose it because they are side by side but not together; each independent from each other but still quite close.   I on the other hand, have always seen it as a man and woman, completely together.  In this case, they are welded together at the feet.  That is much more my speed.  We’re committed and there is simply no stepping away.  Joined.  One flesh. 

So, you can call us Mr. and Mrs. D any day.  I am still identified by “Missus” (respected, not ignored or dismissed) yet I am there under the protection of the umbrella of my husband.  I am completely adored by him and immensely pleased to be welded to him.  

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The Importance of Friday

Sure, it means the end of the work week and the end of the homeschool week, but more than anything, for David and me, Friday screams “Date Night!”

Like everyone else, we are busy. We go full tilt all week.  David and I cut many of our weektime conversations short because there are 6 little ears listening to us and hanging on every word of our grown up conversations. Friday is our opportunity to reconnect. No wonder we look forward to it.

We started Date Night long before we had children. In that season of our life together it was the busyness of our careers and our various personal and “couple” activities.  You know the kind.  The Saturday nights that were always spent with other couple friends in the days when there were no children in your regular circle.  But even when our children were merely a twinkle in our eyes, we were thankfully able to recognize the importance of protecting our marriage.   It is the foundation upon which everything else in is built.  And we all know how catastrophe may lie in a shaky foundation… 

Let’s face it, we are in the midst of a spiritual battle.  It’s true.  It’s good vs. evil and it is REAL.  Everywhere you turn, marriages are falling apart, children are suffering, men and women and aching, or questioning, or searching.  We see friends and family going through it.  It’s everywhere and it’s awful.  Temptation ruminates at every corner, waiting for someone to bite into the apple.   It comes in many forms (most often sex, addictions and money) but it is there. 

But God gave us this amazing thing called Free Will.  He gives us his Word, the guidemap on how to live, but then in his absolute brilliance also equipped us with this amazing ability to make our own decisions. God doesn’t decide for us.  We decide for ourselves. 

When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.   James 1:13-14  NIV

So rather than wait for temptation to suck us in, instead of falling victim to it’s grasp, we will work hard on this marriage of ours. If we don’t have time by ourselves to communicate and share and reconnect each week, the door opens a bit wider and temptation has a better chance of creeping in.   No thank you! 

So, what does our typical date night look like ?

The kids are fed a kid-favourite meal (tonight it’s homemade pizza).  They know that Friday night is date night.  They know why it’s important.  Kids are able to see destruction of families. It’s not hard to miss – it’s all around.   But kids are also able to see a Mom and Dad who make time for eachother and that is a very positive thing. 

Our Littles head to bed based on their various ages and by the time the eldest is doing his private reading (around 8:30), we have cracked a bottle of red and are cooking in the kitchen.  

Tonight, we’re making pad thai.   Last week, and in fact most weeks (because we love it so much), we do Italian night: Insalata Caprese, procuitto and Genoa salami, brie, antipasto and crackers, olives (but not for me – blech).  

We don’t watch tv. We don’t watch a movie. We light a couple candles and play one of our favourite ambient or smooth jazz stations on iTunes or Flycast.  We spend hours and hours chatting.  This is usually our latest night of the week because we talk so much the time always seems to get away from us.  We head into the weekend feeling especially connected and very pleased to still be feeling so in touch after almost 19 years together (over 12 of marriage).

So, Friday is a day we really look forward to.  It’s always a Finer Thing  in my mind.

If you don’t already do date night, I would highly encourage you to give it a try.  It need not cost much.  It need not include anything earth shattering. What it does need is a husband and his wife and a chunk of uninterrupted time to enjoy eachother’s company like you did back in the day.

Do it to lift up your marriage and give it the respect and adoration it deserves.

Marriage is a Funny Thing

 …at least, it is in my house. 

My husband seems to think it’s his role to constantly keep me in stitches.   He even told me so, just this week.  Suffice it to say, it’s a role he takes quite seriously.

He runs on the spot.  He dances into the room.  He dances out of the room. 

On the back side of the island, he takes the ‘elevator’ or the ‘escalator’ or the canoe.  On a good day, he’ll take the kayak.  We’ve seen it a thousand times, but we can’t help but laugh.  All of us. 

He makes crazy faces.  He sings songs.  Constantly.  He changes the lyrics to something fitting and manages to always incorporate the words “burger and fries.”   It makes no matter that he’s in his late thirties.   He’s always been a clown, and probably always will. 

But his best moves are the ones that involve an outfit of dress socks.  That’s it.  Just socks.   Occasionally he’ll put a towel on his head for extra effect.  The man cracks me up. 

What makes me laugh the most is witnessing his total gut laughter at something else.  The kind of laughter that brings tears to his eyes.  The kind where he can’t stop.  The kind where five minutes after the last laugh, he starts all over again just thinking about it.  Those are the times I most enjoy. 

I love it. 

But then there are times when I’m in a grump and I just don’t want to smile.  There are days when I’m exhausted and fed up and I’ve used my last smidgen of patience on that day’s clean up disaster and temper-tantrum combo, and I don’t have the energy or a single ounce of desire to even pretend to smile.  Sometimes, I just want to wallow for a few minutes. 

Those are the days when D comes in with extra jazz hands and crazy eyes, pulling all the special moves out of his ‘gotta make my wife laugh’ arsenal .  I intentionally avoid looking at him, I am familiar with his tactics.  I’ve seen his work enough before to know all about it.  But somehow, despite my best grump efforts, my peripheral vision picks up on a horribly ungraceful pirouette and I burst into laughter.  It can’t be helped. 

And he puts his arms around me and says “See?  It’s okay.”

And I know it is.

Does your husband do things that make you cry with laughter?  Do you realize what a blessing it is that he loves you enough to want you to be happy?  If your husband isn’t making you laugh like you wish he would, are you up for a challenge of trying to make him laugh? 

Try it.  Do something completely crazy and out of your comfort zone.  Laughter is infectious and once it gets started, perhaps neither of you will be able to stop.  Maybe your husband will start to count it his work, to keep you laughing. 

Once you get a taste of it, it might just overtake your life like it has mine.  It truly is a Finer Thing.